Have you ever spent time with a cat?

Since I can remember I’ve lived with cats.  My first one I found on the road, abandoned and helpless.  My mother stopped the car and we scooped up the tiny little creature who was so small her little eyes weren’t even open.  She was unable to eat, so I had to feed her with an eye dropper for a time, until she could actually suck and then finally eat like a cat eats, with her own teeth.

What a lesson in love that first cat, Sophie, was to me.  I grew up with dogs, big dogs with pedigrees and all… but the cats became my dearest friends as a child.  I could relate somehow to their indifference and commitment to doing what they wanted to do.  They also didn’t come when called.  That seemed like a perfect existence for a kid who really didn’t want to do anything that her parents wanted her to do.  I was a good kid, but rebellious inside myself.  Given that I liked breathing in and out and playing, I did what they told me… not following the rules seemed like grounds for death (there is no way would my parents have ever done anything to hurt me, but I wasn’t going to take any chances.)

Anyway, my current kitty has a formal name, which is Persephone… but we just call her “Kitty”.  When she first came to our family she was skittish and frightened… a feral cat, wild and untamed, but scared as shit upon being brought into our home.  In a few weeks she opened up to all the love she received from my large family, prowling around the house and gardens with ease. My relationship with her is one of understanding and challenge… me challenging her neurotic tendencies that don’t appear “cat like” to me and her ignoring me regularly.

What’s amazing about her is that she is connected to spirit ALL THE TIME…

Whenever I spend time with her she is relaxed, breathing and basking.  It doesn’t matter what’s happening around her, she just moves around the house with a certain comfort that I admire.  Of late, I am much more prone to behaving like that, finding myself waking up with the question, “How can I serve you?” I’m genuinely in awe of how well I’ve been provided for my entire life…

I haven’t always seen it that way, though.

So many times in my live, I’ve found myself expecting to have specific results in my life and expected them to come to me exactly the way “I” thought they should.

As an example, I raised my kids on my own.  Their father’s life didn’t permit much physical help during most of their lives and especially when we divorced.  I had more kids than most people and it was only me tending to their needs.  I am/was passionate about mothering and took it on as the most important endeavor of my life.  There was no way was I going to sacrifice their upbringing by being caught up in activities only designed to further my public life or career.  We certainly could’ve used a bit more money though… so I thought.  Thing is, we always had enough.

My belief at the time was that money had to come to me in a particular way… I was supposed to earn it.  If I didn’t do it that way, well then it just didn’t count.  My constant dilemma was how to work full time outside the home, or build a lucrative career when every day I also had to drive, feed, love, read to and attend to a myriad of needs that other people really had to have met? Possibly, if I had one or two kids it would have been a different story, but I had a lot more than that.  For me, I had to go on faith that we would make it as I wasn’t about to sacrifice my “knowing” that my kids deserved a stable home life with a parent mostly there.

We did make it.  Most of my kids are grown and they are amazing adults… (I know, I’m probably biased, but I hear from others how wonderful they are all the time). It now occurs to me that as they grew up I was able to provide them with a lovely home, good food was always on the table, consistent presence and availability of a parent at all hours of the day and night and most importantly – love.  My commitment as their mother didn’t fade with the financial stress I experienced and my faith was all that I really had to guide me.

Now, as I reflect back on those many years of challenges and growth I realize that without my conscious determination to bring in enough money to raise posse of kids, I did and it came to me in so many ways.

Their father helped and always paid the agreed support (not a ton, but always there) and would back me up when it was needed.  I had incredible credit and could get credit cards or loans with that.  I “stumbled” onto a little house and bought it in Santa Cruz, which appreciated every year making the equity a fine way to get ready cash.

We all got exactly what we needed.  My kids were tended to and I was free to follow the truth of my heart, which was to give my community and the world a number of amazing people who are adding value every where they go.  How cool is that!

Presently, I’m reflecting on how much energy I wasted, at times, lamenting that I wasn’t always earning enough to provide for them.  Now I’m marveling at how well taken care of I was… in a myriad of ways… so that all that I wanted I could manifest.

It appears that I was much more like my cat than I gave myself credit for.  My connection to spirit is strong and always has been.  Now, my perspective is quite different and far more grateful than before.  Being able to “feel” how much value comes from trust and faith when there is no physical evidence to support said faith is like drinking a tall glass of water after a very long walk through a hot, dry desert.

As I’ve become more present for how much I have to be on my knees in gratitude for (like the past “all the years of my life”) my first thought and prayer is…. “how can I serve YOU?”.

Today I hear to remain in purr mode – like Kitty.  She’s downstairs, literally under the covers of the bed like a person, purring.  I’m upstairs basking in a foggy view of the ocean, watching the birds line up on the power lines, being warmed by a lovely fire and writing… Oh, and I’m drinking another cup of coffee.

Blessings for a lovely, grateful year to you!