quanyinThe past 6 weeks have been hard for me.  It’s been a time where I saw everything unraveling inside and outside of my life.  Struggles with self-esteem, success, relationship, confidence… everything I teach in the Amazon course. Made me feel like a complete failure.  I can teach something I can’t do?

Ugh…

Thing is that sometimes we have to hit a place where we are completely shattered, (or so it seems) before we can actually “see” what we are doing – and why we are getting what we get.  I don’t have an abundance of “results” of late, but I do have a distinct sense of what I’ve been doing for most of my life, that has produced an unfathomable array of positive and negative results.

First of all, my need for others to do things so that I feel better is a recipe for disaster.  I’ve spent the better part of my life looking outside of myself in some areas, for solace.  Thing is, that comfort can emerge from within it just needs to be tapped into.

Then the big question is; How? How does a woman whose done so much for so many other people cultivate a sense of worthiness from a vacuum.  Everyone around me is used to me handling things.  Kids don’t often say “Thanks, Mom” for cleaning their room, they just feel violated by the act.  Lovers don’t regard to level of attention given to the invisible parts of their life, but focus on the obvious neglect that occurs from being pushed away. A conundrum for sure.

I’ve made a new determination.  The only thing that matters is that I feel good.  Forget about anyone outside of me providing me with evidence of my worthiness… it won’t come.  I didn’t set it up that way.  I set it up to cultivate a deep sense of belonging from within my life.

I’ve decided to turn all the love and attention I’ve offered others in on myself… they will benefit.  I’m sure of it.

The Queen